Two guys are coming down the hallway and ascend the stairs when they see me. Looking at my feet. Then they said it. "Watch out dude. He's gay." That's when it all started. My life started to crash down on me. I leaned up against one of the building's support poles and cried. A teacher saw and then a friend. Don't you just wish you could be straight?
That's not the real start of it. Isn't it what you hoped though? 'Not another gay story.' Wouldn't that be nice? It all starts with something though doesn't it.
Like when you're a kid. Is it normal for you to be attracted to the same sex? You know you have a crush on a man on Baywatch for instance, when your babysitter really like watching Baywatch for the girls. Different huh? Or how about being ashamed in the lockerroom and trying to get away from everyone. You're friends don't let you be alone though. In your heart you can't tell them you might be attracted to men and in the like, them. How about when you finally find the word that describes it and you just want to take it all away. Throw it back where it came from. Not going to happen is it?
Moving from state to state is a different experience. Leaving past friends behind only to wish you could reunite in the future. What does this have to do about homosexuality? Just the fact that I would've been trapped in an all male high school instead of the co-ed I have just graduated.
Now what do you do when you're in college? Around a whole bunch of men and women. Freedom? Or pain? The pain of not telling your roommate could seem worse than having to look away when you see an attractive guy you like with his shirt off and his shorts or pants dipped just below the waistline. Too graphic. Maybe before we get into the whole college reflection we should look back a year or two to high school.
FLHS. The best Catholic high school in the area. Comfortable environment, for those not in our group at times it would seem. It's not just knowing about your friends' sexualities, but also dealing with yours. Hearing what people say and understanding why you yourself can't come out. Pushing you in a closet so to speak. In a way it's not truly fair. To yourself or to your friend. It makes the friend stronger, I believe.
How did my friend's find out about me? Very easily. I let it slip out after something my mom had found. It was a picture I kept under my pillow of a man who happened to be in nature with that very natural look. If you haven't got it yet, he was naked. Blonde with a necklace. Just like I told my friend's I was sexually attracted to. That's what opened the door.
Back to college. Nail polish and a whole bunch of bathroom products later, I come out officially in January. Not National Coming Out Day, but still just as liberating. Finally telling my roommate was liberating. After that it just all fell together. Sexuality no longer became an issue with me. Thanks to other, I was able to spread out, free myself, and branch myself out to whole new type of me. I just need to make a few minor adjustments and I'll be totally free.
Can't Believe This Is Me
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