Shortened Version of A Gay Life

Someone always says no one's life is easy. And that's true. So true. It has also been said that heterosexuals never have to feel what it's like to be out of a closet. I wouldn't know since I'm the homosexual. Someone has even said that a homosexual can retrace his or her life to where he or she started the knowledge to homosexuality. The scary part for me is that I can retrace my homosexuality to 5th grade or 10 years of age.

At 10, I had this crush on Christopher K. Even though I was really little, I thought I had a crush on his sister, Christine. In reality it seems that it was only because of Chris. He was my babysitter even though I was in the 5th grade. We'd be in the den and he'd want to watch Baywatch, for the girls of course. I can even remember wanting to watch the program so I could see those hot, built, speedo studs. That's what I'd call'em now at least.

At 11, I entered a new school and a new level of fear. In OLSS, Our Lady Star of the Sea, we came dressed already for gym. In middle school there was a locker room. The locker room was sort of subdivided into two parts, being part of the high school after all. Most of the guys changed in one part, while I was on the other. I can still remember part of it perfectly. AJ, Steven C, and I on one side and the other guys on the other. I'd always take the longest so I wouldn't have to change in front of the guys. I was even frightened to check out other guys.

6th and 7th grade were scary for a shy guy. Along the way I met tons of great people. I'm still looking for them today. I'm just mentioning mostly guys in this story, but the credits to everyone I remember will be in a different work. Anyways, AJ was always what I considered my cheerleader. I know, I know. Guys aren't really cheerleaders. AJ was always there for me. Drumming that little tune when I got into the Geography Bee, which I deeply regret losing to an easy question. Must've been the pressure. I guess in my heart I always wanted to be like him or at least have some part of him in my life. I'm glad we're still friends today, even after all we've been through.

If I had any tiny crushes, I could probably name the guys I would've had a crush on. Stephen B, with his hairstyle and his fun attitude. Illario, fun loving kind of guy. Matt P, another fun loving attitude. In the end, the person I connect with most, is AJ.

Having to repeat 7th grade wasn't exactly fun. Even since that year I had not only turned 13, but I found I had an attraction to the same sex. It wouldn't be until I was 17.5 that I'd known I was gay. Locker rooms became an issue again. A class of 32 with half being guys. Being the only homosexual wasn't the hard part. Being the loser of one of five new kids was the worst. Picked on the whole year, even by someone who is now a friend. I was secretly attracted to not one, but two males that year. I'd have a crush on Evan W. for a year and then four more after skipping a year. Then I'd have a crush on Christopher R. for five years, having not seen him my senior year.

Entering high school can seem so different. I had been accustomed to having a place in this world. Even if it was rather low. I had bullies that year, as I've had in the past. Mostly juniors and seniors who used their lunch breaks to make fun of me and make me cry. I befriended to junior girls that year. Everyone says freshman year is hell. What if you're constantly taunted that you're gay when they don't know the truth and you do? That year I started cushes on lots of guys that were juniors and fresh...men. Taylor B., the football player. Timothy M., all around cool guy. Mikel, just for that year, but cute and blonde.

Sophomore year was boring. I got in a fight that I totally regret. Two actually. Kim B. I believe and Shane N. and this girl I never liked. Junior year was interesting. I started becoming more pen with myself. If Taylor didn't notice I was totally watching him in Chemistry class. It wasn't just coincidental that I turned myself to face the opposing wall. I was trying to check him out the whole time. Still had attraction to Tim. Before my Junior prom I had told everyone in my close friendships that I was gay. This was afterall after my mom had found naked pictures of men in my bed, on my walls, and even as screensavers on my computer. I was even buying gay DVDs on Amazon.com through my mom's credit card.

Senior year I was out for a full year to all my close friends. I'd read fashion magazines during my science classes. Some with pictures of men in speedos or less. I made the mistake of outing myself on my IM. A foe put my IM name on the board and soon all the guys found out about me. From there I had the fear of coming out to guys. Luckly I didn't have the chance of seeing them for yearbook signing.

Freshman year of college was very interesting. Trying your best to not be attracted to just any man, like your roommate, can be difficult. I lived. Now it's surviving college. Of course you'll always be attracted to that one guy or get a new crush just to pass a class along. Tried that for Fall '05 with English and Fall '06 with philosophy. Not much there. Anyways. My college experience has been interesting. Joined a GSA and freshman year and am now president of one in my sophomore/junior year. Interesting huh? Life's a mess but I'm living it one day at a time.

Writing this is going to open a lot of doors. Probably some not so good ones. People I knew will wish this was never written. Not wanting to know the truth about who I've had a crush on or just some way to make sure I'd never see them again. Either way what's written now makes a phenomenal impact on everything. A true personal for personal stories. Something most people wouldn't be so open about to the public. Then again, what is a blog good for anyway?